The Apprentice

Watched The Apprentice last night where Alan Sugar sent the hapless fools into Ideal World TV to sell their own chosen items live on TV. The session started with much patronising comment on the saddos ( like me) who buy stuff on TV. Apparently we are all called Mavis and have huge tits (the second bit was right,anyway).

Simon and his team chose a small mini trampoline, some little sticky pads for decoupage, and a folding lightweight wheelchair. |The other team were almost as hopeless.

The first highlight of the show was a girl trying to demonstrate a carpet cleaner by not being able to get the cloth wiper on to the end, fumbling around and saying 'OK' constantly and finally wiping muck all over the floor before realising the machine was not actually turned on, before being 'terminated'.

The funniest bit was Simon, the prat, jumping up and down on the trampoline in a suit like Mr Bean and saying breathlessly how it was great exercise - 'look I'm doing it with my legs apart now!' he crowed triumphantly - 'such good fun'. He then demonstrated how to fit the legs on the base of the trampoline by holding this in front of him at trouser fly level with the leg sticking out toward the viewers,screwing it on, and meanwhile describing what huge fun this was for all the family and how easy it was for the kids to do, etc. etc. He then proceeded to put five more legs on in this manner with a running commentary which from the watcher's point of view, became funnier and funnier. At this point Alan Sugar is watching his TV screen incredulously, saying 'look where you've got the leg!', covering his face and 'get him off!' and in the studio, everyone is falling about with laughter, apart from the staff of Ideal World, who are aghast, and losing money very rapidly. I haven't laughed so much for years.

Emails of complaint from watchers followed. Strangely though, despite the complete ineptitude displayed throughout, two wheelchairs, Simon's choice, actually sold and saved him from the sack, which was reserved for the girl on his team who incompetently chose and terribly demonstrated the sticky pads.

The other team, selling magic knickers - 'for those who can't be arsed to lose weight' with a man and girl team, the guy getting more and more embarrassed, actually won the competition and were sent away for a pampering session in a Turkish Bath.